Because...it's fucking terrifying.
And of course it’s also exciting – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it wasn’t. But it’s like every single memory of failure from my life pops up anytime I let myself do what I really want to do.
And as of this moment, it's creating a new blog and social media page where I can just be my real self. Now that I've finally got her back.
Now let me tell you WHY this feels so scary...
Ever since I was younger, I have been *very* critical of myself.
I remember vividly at 11 years old, after just leaving another dressing room bawling my eyes out because nothing in the store fit me, just staring at the teenage girls walking by.
I analyzed everything about them. Their hair, makeup, bodies, how they talked, laughed, dressed…
I probably looked weird af - just staring at every girl who walked by 😂
But seriously, all I wanted was to be like them. And more importantly, to not be like me anymore.
I figured the only way to change my circumstances would be to pick out everything that was wrong with me and obsess about it. Hopefully one day having the willpower to change it.
And before I knew it, I genuinely became my own harshest critic.
was like a crazy stage mom - but to myself...if that makes sense at all?
No matter how much someone else judged me or disliked me, I can promise you I judged myself more. And I think I found a sense of power in that. That no one could ever point out anything about me that would catch me off guard or leave me vulnerable.
I already knew everything that was “wrong with me”
And I wanted to fix it all for so many years. But as most of us know, it's never that easy. There was not one day where I woke up and thought about anything other than this master plan to become perfect.
Every time someone was mean to me...
Every time I was rejected or not included in something...
I nervously questioned and overanalyzed everything that could be wrong with me
Eventually, I lost myself and became someone else entirely, hoping that this version of me would be good enough.
Of course, underneath this new persona was a little girl who was desperate to be liked, fit in, and feel like a part of something.
And I believed my only way to get there was to be that girl. The perfect one I saw walking in the mall or on my TV screen.
I spent so much of my life trying to change who I was that when I reached 23, I realized I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
And the problem was, changing myself worked...temporarily.
I had friends, fun, crazy experiences, relationships, and finally looked the way I thought I should. But I never learned how to like myself. Or how to trust myself. I had worked unbelievably hard at being anything BUT myself.
That’s why creating something new, something vulnerable and real, is so terrifying for me. Because there’s a little 11 year old girl inside of me who still wants me to pretend that I have it all figured out. Being new at something scares the shit out of her.
Being new creates room for mistakes, embarrassment, and failure.
It reminds me of trying out for a sports team and realizing I was the worst one there. Running away from practice and giving up for good because I felt like everyone else had something I didn’t. Believing that everyone else could be good at something new, but I just couldn't.
It wasn’t until years later that I realized the truth about being a beginner.
When you're a beginner, you compare yourself to everyone and anyone doing the same thing as you...
Without knowing how long they've been trying, failing, and embarrassing themselves along the way.
The girls weren’t better than me because something was wrong with me. It was because they had spent years playing, practicing, winning, and losing other sports before that day. I just showed up with *no* athletic experience... and expected myself to be perfect from the start.
The feeling of being new at something became associated with being ashamed of myself.
Then, I spent the rest of my life running away from things I wasn’t immediately good at.
It wasn't until 24 years old that I was able to recognize how much this was holding me back.
My true self wanted to come out again, but in order to do that, I had to listen to what she wanted even if it scared the shit out of me.
That part of me longs to explore my passions and create newness. And trust me when I say, just because something is a passion of mine, doesn't necessarily mean I'm immediately successful with it.
But I realize that life isn’t worth it if you don’t do things you long to do. Even if they scare you to death.
It's also not worth it if you pretend to be someone else entirely along the way.
In each phase of my growth, I take more chances, do things that make me feel vulnerable, and am slowly learning what it means to be the most authentic version of myself.
& I'm so grateful that she finally gets a place to be heard.
So here’s to my new blog, new page, and this new adventure.
May it be everything it is meant to be, nothing more, nothing less.
PS - I'd love to know in the comments if you can relate to my story. What stood out to you? Do you have a fear of starting something new or a memory you can tie it back to?