3 years ago I made the decision that I no longer wanted to live in survival mode. I had spent my whole life trying to find the right version of myself to be so that I could be accepted in this world. It caused me so much pain and suffering.
When I began my healing journey, I had an end goal: to be fully myself and fully happy.
I followed inspiring accounts of people who seemed to have accomplished this goal. I saw their perfect daily routines, the magnetism of their spirit, their amazing bodies, skin, and aura. I saw the way that they make money doing what they love. They seemed to have people in their lives who truly adored them and uplifted them in their success. Their accounts became my vision board and roadmap to my end goal.
Along the way I’ve done it all...
I’ve committed to a frequent meditation practice for the past 3 years
I became certified as a life coach, yoga teacher, hypnotherapist, and read countless self help books to further my education
I’ve worked with a naturopathic doctor and learned what is in our food and how to best take care of myself
I’ve worked with plant medicine and unlocked parts of myself that I didn’t even know I had within me
I’ve studied Breathwork, meditation, somatic release, and energy healing techniques
I’ve seen traditional therapists, business coaches, life coaches, and spiritual mentors
I’ve sat in some of the deepest levels of pain, abandonment, rejection, fear, sadness, and discomfort within me
I’ve discovered spiritual abilities to see, hear, and understand things that I used to believe were my imagination
Through this devotion to myself, I have been able to support tens of thousands of people through social media and individual coaching to reach new levels in their healing journey
I am living exactly what I imagined myself living. Except one small part.
My 24 year old self believed that when all of these things changed, I’d be fully happy.
I believed that with discipline, I could get to a place in my life where I wake up every day inspired, energized, excited, and joyful.
But that is just not the truth of this human experience.
We are not here to avoid feeling the heavy emotions.
The truth of this human experience is duality.
Duality is what gives our lives a deeper meaning.
It is why our souls come to earth.
Going into the depths of our shadow, feeling pain, heartbreak, fear, loss, etc…
is what helps us to realize how strong we really are.
Moving through these emotions instead of resisting them gives us the clarity and power to rewrite our story.
Because when you have done the work, you cultivate the deepest level of self-love and acceptance of all parts of who you are and what you’ve been through. You are able to witness the darkness that comes in waves and observe it instead of letting it take over and bring you down with it.
Being “healed” isn’t about always being happy or high vibe. It is about no longer resisting or judging what is.
It is about flowing with the highs and lows of being human instead of trying to swim upstream against it.
It is about believing in the depth of your soul that every single stage and phase is there to bring you closer to yourself and where you want to be in life.
It is about creating wholeness within yourself so that your well-being isn’t dependent on outer circumstances.
Overtime, the darkness is still there, but the self-love within you is so strong that you can simply shine light on it and see it for what it is. You no longer identify with the pain.
I like to imagine our being as a puzzle made up of different parts. When one part of us is rejected or abandoned because we deem it unacceptable, we remove part of the puzzle and feel like we are not whole. We spend our time trying to fill that void with other people, substances, and hits of dopamine that cannot replace that missing piece because they are not consistent.
Sometimes, we even try to fill that whole with perfectionism.
If I just have this perfect morning routine, then I can accept myself.
If I eat healthy 100% of the time, then I can accept myself.
If I stick to this rigid workout schedule, then I can accept myself.
If my body looks a certain way, then I can accept myself.
If I work X amount of hours and make X amount of money, then I can accept myself.
These achievements momentarily make you feel whole, until the next day when you have to do it all over again just to maintain a basic state of well-being. You feel like a prisoner to these routines.
I found myself in this pattern for the first 1.5 years of my healing journey.
Then I slowly started to let go of my perfectionistic habits and deep feelings of unworthiness came flooding in.
The true healing comes when you let go of all of the coping mechanisms you use to avoid the innate feelings of unworthiness that linger within you.
Because then, and only then, you have the ability to find those missing pieces of the puzzle and fully accept yourself as you are.
You see a part of you show up that believes you are not lovable without these routines, so you choose to love it.
You see a part of you that experienced so much pain and rejection, but instead of numbing out you let the feelings pass through you and the piece of the puzzle is accepted again.
Nothing is inherently good or bad...
Nothing is acceptable or unacceptable...
Until we label it that way.
So to me, being healed (which is an ongoing journey), is recognizing that you have the power to change that inner narrative and end the battle.
And when we can choose to love ourselves exactly as we are, we feel that wholeness again and make decisions for ourselves from a grounded place.
We don’t need anything on the outside to make us feel good because we have everything we need within us. So we choose rituals, practices, food, relationships, etc. that feel good in that moment instead of doing those things in an effort to feel good after. You make those decisions from a deep connection to your heart and soul, which lead you to make positive decisions that are not dominated and forced by the mind or ego.
This path is not about being happy 100% of the time.
It’s about no longer avoiding the parts of us that we rejected when we were in survival mode.
Because the only way to free ourselves from that pain is to let it move through us when it shows up.
It is from that place of wholeness that you become a master manifestor.
From there, you can rewrite your story.
Because you don’t NEED anything to come to you to make you feel a certain way.
You already have that feeling within you, and the outer experiences that come to you simply enhance it and become a beautiful part of your human experience (but you don’t NEED it to feel good)
In the words of my mentor, Lindsay Rose:
“When you manifest from lack, you get a lesson. When you manifest from love, you get a blessing.”
So my message is this:
Instead of spending your time trying to attain the perfect routine, trying to get rid of all of your problems, or trying to be 100% happy…
Ask yourself this: Where in my life am I fighting against myself? What am I feeling that I would rather avoid? Which parts of me am I rejecting because I believe they are unacceptable? Where do I feel unworthy in my life?
You don’t have to linger in your pain, but resisting the feelings that show up day after day does not get rid of them. Allow yourself to feel a little more today. Then, when you’ve done all you have the space for today, pivot your focus to something else. Know that you’ve done enough.
And if it feels overwhelming, know that you are not alone. You are so much more supported than you know. Call on your angels, guides, the universe, God, source, a past loved one - whatever resonates with you. Trust that you are supported on this journey, because you are.
Sending so much love,
Micaela